Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
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My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
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Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i think i just lost a toe
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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