trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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