Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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