do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
