I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
