fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
