We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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