I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
where are my eyebrows?
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