If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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