She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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