Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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