i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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