And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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