Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
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You humped everything and cried in an uber.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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