okay pat passed out under dana's car
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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