We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays