and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.