Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
