I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
