If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
