why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
