Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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