Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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