textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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