My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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