Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
