umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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