I smell stomach acid.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
