I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
