he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize