I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
