It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
