We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
