I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
