I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
