Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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