In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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