If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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