The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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