There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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