If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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