Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
