oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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