Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So. Much. Porn.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
