every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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