my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
