before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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