why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
