I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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