i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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