...so i touched it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
