so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
