I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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