So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
