trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
