My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
