i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
